I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
