last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
