I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
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what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
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Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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