omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
