I met the friendliest cop last night
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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