So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
