He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
