Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
