I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
