How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
