I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
