I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
