the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
