Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
