Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
