he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
