ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
