I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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