i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
