The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
