i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
