seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
