i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
