i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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