I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Randomize
