Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
