The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
