So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize