I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Randomize
