I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
