Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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