I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
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That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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