I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
