my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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