Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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