so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
