i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
