nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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