You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
