but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
