I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
