So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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