I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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