If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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