Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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