barbara walters just said penis...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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