Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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