I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
