Be still, my beating vagina.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
