i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
did i walk over a car last night?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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