my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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