beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
