I want you more than these girls want KFC
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I need a burrito and a hug.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
