Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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