I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Are my feet made of real feet?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
