i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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