3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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