I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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