I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
