I'm lost and stupid without you.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
