when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Randomize
