1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
